Thursday, January 10, 2013

Fail

Let me start out by saying, I LOVE this kid.  He is so fun and bring so so much joy to my life in ways I never knew were imaginable.  He is also a toddler, which means he is also outrageously frustrating. I am not what one might consider a 'flexible' or 'easy-going' person.  I wish I were.  I know there are benefits to it, I'm just not wired that way.

Parenting is a challenge for me for the many reasons that parenting is challenging to all parents but also in the fact that I'm not flexible or easy-going.  I am trying hard to raise a mindful, responsible, fun-loving child who behaves, treats people nicely and follows the rules.  That last one is hard.  He doesn't follow the rules.  And it drives me crazy.  I have friends who's children don't follow the rules and while they seem like really cool parents, their kids are crazy, off-the-wall, badly behaved (in my opinion) children.  But the parents seem really laid-back!  As an adult, I follow the rules, maybe a little too much.

So days like this when Nolan didn't follow the rules (refused time out and then hit me) and then in response I didn't follow the rules (yelled at him, slammed a door and yelled some more: I had a tantrum) I feel like it's an utter fail.  If you look at my report card of parenting for today it would have a big red F on it.  And let me tell you, it feels really awful.  Really awful.

That coupled with Nolan's will of refusing a nap (keeping in mind, it's a willful refusal, not that he's not tired) has made this past week (of parenting solo every night and over the weekend) a real challenge for me.  A challenge not only in that I don't seem to relax as well as I do when he's napping but also that there seems to be a change-up to his routine/behavior to which I am not flexible or mentally prepared for.  He's been playing this really annoying 'game' when it's time to sleep, not laying down and being tucked in but after fair warning we leave his room without tucking him in he freaks out, screaming, crying, jumping on his bed.  If we go back in, he calms down and the game is over.  If we don't, he screams and cries for a long time.

So, today is a fail.  Yesterday was not.  Yesterday and the day before and the day before were all really lovely days.  But somehow I can't remember that.  We are all a work in progress.  And our own worst critics.

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